Sunday Thoughts on a Sunday

Okay, so my title is a little deceiving; this is more of a Sunday joke!  We went to my parent's house for the afternoon session of conference today, as did my sister, Melanie, and her family.  Melanie wanted to show her husband my dad's early '80's fro, so she was going through some old pictures.  She found one of my dad in the early '90's where he had a full beard and mustache.  I showed it to EmmaLee and asked her if she knew who it was.  She smiled and immediately said "Jesus"!  We just laughed!  I'll have to scan the picture in and see if you can see the resemblance! 

This last week we made an impromptu trip down to St. George, and it was so nice!  I'll have to make a post about it later this week with pictures!

The next style of talk I'm going to talk about is control, fight, and spite talk.  Through power and control, this style aims at gaining agreement or compliance, or it attempts to resist change.  This style strives for a certain outcome, even if it has to be forced.  You focus on the other person-not yourself.

Partners try to exert their power using three different ways of talking.  The first way-control talk- sends messages intended to be constructive.  The other two-fight talk and spite talk-send negative, potentially destructive messages.  Noverbals-posture, gestures, tone, pitch, pace and facial expressions-play a prominent role in signaling these messages.

Control Talk

Control talk intends to take charge-communicating a knowing, authoritative stance.  This is a style most people use to direct, command, make a presentation, persuade, sell, bargain, supervise, teach, and advocate.  The intention is to:  establish agreement/compliance; use authority; direct/control/lead; declare; instruct; advise/exhort/persuade; pressure/compel; evaluate; set expectations/limits; and reinforce positively.  The intention is to be: proactive; in charge; helpful; efficient; persuasive; and compelling.  The mood is: directive, with or without compliance; authoritative, with or without acceptance.  Nonverbals include: commanding tone and gestures.  Cue words can include: you (spoken or implied); pronouncements; assumptions; imperatives (should, ought, have to); superlatives (always, never, every); and statements phrased as questions.

Typical Control-Talk Behaviors

*Speaking for others-tell others what their experience has been, is, or will be: "You know this is the right decision."
*Directing: "Stop by the cleaners on your way home."
*Advising, prescribing solutions: "Take some vitamin C.  It will help you ward off a cold."
*Advocating, persuading: "Just try it once.  You will really like it."
*Instructing: "There are three things to consider.  The first is . . ."
*Evaluating: "This new software is twice as good as the old program."
*Assuming: "It isn't hard.  You can figure it out."
*Setting expectations, establishing boundaries: "Let's get together tomorrow afternoon, just the two of us."
*Cautioning, warning: "Be careful.  The roads are slick."
*Closed/directive questions: "Don't you think that...?" "Wouldn't you agree that...?"
*Praising: "You look great in your new blue suit."
*Bragging: "I'm always the one they count on."

Impact of Control Talk

*Shows the situation is under control, when it works.
*Fosters resistance if it is experienced as "boxing in" the other.  (Most people like to participate in conversations and decisions that affect them; few like to be ordered around.)
*Sometimes creates misunderstanding, distance, and tension in its commanding tone.
*Can generate a fight or spite talk response, if it is perceived as abrasive or discounting.
*Excessive control talk may indicate mounting pressures.

If control talk goes on constantly with one or both of you, power is a struggle in your relationship.

Somewhat related to this last thought, in my child guidance class this last week, I learned about a theory called Dreiker's Theory.  In his theory, Dreiker talks about how everybody has a genuine goal, which is to belong.  When this genuine goal is not being met, people often fall to "mistaken" goals, such as attention seeking, power struggles, and withdrawing, to name a few.  When people feel insecure or that they do not belong, they often seek for more power over their situation.  In children, especially teenagers, this can result in rebellion, or a refusal to listen to their parents.  The best way to handle this is to be firm and not get into a power struggle, but to also see if there are other areas where you can give this child more power or control in their lives, such as planning the dinner menu, or some other family activity.  This is obviously harder to do in a marriage relationship, but the idea of realizing that if, as the statement above mentions, power is a struggle in your relationship, you may want to take a closer look as to why.  Is the genuine goal of feeling you belong not being met for one or the other?  Maybe sitting down and trying to come up with a better distinction or distribution of responsibilities between the couple needs to happen.  In extreme cases, this might need to be done with the help of a counselor, or someone else who both people in the relationship trust. 

I'm going to end the post for tonight, but next time I will talk about the fight/spite talk.