First of all, thank you for everyone that commented on my last entry. I was nervous about sharing it, but the support I have received has touched me so deeply, and I'm so grateful for all the kindness!
I wanted to share another thought related to Caydin's accident. I needed to share and deal with the reality of my experience with him, but I also wanted to share something a little more positive about it as well. For about a month after Caydin's accident, I struggled with nightmares of my children or loved ones dying in horrible ways, and I struggled even when I was awake to deal with flashbacks of the accident and everything that happened. I was given beautiful blessings, and I had felt the spirit confirming to me that it had been Caydin's time to go. Still, I didn't know how to fight my memories of the accident. Finally, after praying for help and comfort, the spirit touched my heart and gave me this thought. Think of his (Caydin's) experience. Suddenly I could see it in a whole new light. As I mentioned in my last post, from the time Caydin first started choking and when he actually passed out was only about 30-45 seconds. After that, I believe he was on the other side of the veil more than on this side. What a glorious reception it must have been for him! He is a spiritual giant, and he was greeted by who knows how many on the other side! At first, I worried about who would be taking care of him on the other side since he was a child, but it didn't take me long to find in books written by the apostles the truth that our spirits were fully grown when we arrived here, and they go back to that same state in the after life, even if they are a much younger or older age here in this life. So, he was not a 2 1/2 year old spirit in heaven, but a fully mature spirit. That was also slightly hard for me because it made it hard for me to imagine my son; I never knew him as an adult. But, I was much more relieved to think of him in that state overall, fully capable of taking care of himself and having a greater understanding, far greater than mine, of life! Also, within just a month or so I was at the temple, and as I was sitting in the Celestial Room after a session and enjoying the peace and calm I felt there and wishing I could take that feeling with me and keep it with me all the time, I realized that where Caydin is feels like that all the time! While it is still hard to miss him all the time, I was able to finally feel some peace about the accident knowing that my son's experience had been a wonderful experience and that he was in a place of peace, beauty, and joy! I don't think he likes to see us hurt, but he also sees the eternal perspective and I think he might see our pains as we might see a small child's over some trivial thing. You feel bad that they are hurting, and it might even make you cry, but you know that they will be okay and that in the long run, it isn't going to ruin them! As Caydin's mother, I feel peace knowing he at least didn't have the experience I did at his accident. And, thanks to a perfect Eldest Brother and His atonement, and a perfect, loving Heavenly Father and His plan of happiness, there has been and will be peace and comfort and understanding of that day, and I have the blessing of having hope I wouldn't have otherwise. Because of my human nature, I do struggle still with my memories a bit, but I am SO grateful for my knowledge of the great plan of happiness which has helped me see this incident in a more eternal perspective, which helps me to see that while a horrific experience in my minds eye at the time, I can also now recognize it as also being the wonderful moment in my son's life when he was welcomed to his true and eternal home, having passed his test of this life as a "good and faithful servent"!
Survived Week One
6 days ago