Easter

Here we are right before leaving for church on Easter!  School is almost over for the semester, so I'm in the middle of final papers, final projects, and final tests!  I will be almost totally done by the end of this week, and then I will be back!  Happy Easter everyone!

St. George

Okay, so a picture overload is following!  I'm finally getting around to posting pictures from our St. George trip.  It has been cruel to do so, since it has been pretty much snowing here again for the last two days straight!  I want to go back to St. George, but even St. George this week isn't much better than here!  So, I'm glad we got to go last week and enjoy 75-80 degree weather while we were there!!

We got there the first night in the evening.  So, all we did that day besides drive was go swimming at the hotel's indoor pool.  Honestly, the pool was the kids' favorite activity to do while we were down there, and we went every day!  But, I didn't get any pictures!  Oops! 

The second day we went to Zions.  We went through the tunnel, which all the kids loved except Ammon!  The only hike we went on was to Weeping Rock.  This year there was a waterfall there from all the runoff!  It was beautiful!

Here are the kids up at the top of the Weeping Rock trail.  I have no idea what kind of pose Eden is doing, but it is awesome!

This stream was at the start of the hike to Weeping Rock.  The water, like I said, is from runoff, so it was cold!

Isaac's turn to freeze his feet off!

After getting their feet a bit wet, the girls decided it would be fun to make some mud/sand pies!  So, we spent about 15 or 20 minutes just playing at the stream!

This is at the visitors center at Zions.  And no, Ammon is not standing all by himself back there!  Rob has got him, but is well hidden!  Also, in the background is my mother-in-law and cute niece, who decided to come down as well when they found out we were going!  They had a room in the same hotel as us, just a couple of doors down, and it was fun having them there with us!

I had to include this picture just for fun!  Isaac is such a boy and loves to ham it up for the pictures!  You can see his big bruise on his forehead.  A day or two before we left for St. George, Isaac was walking into our front door, which has tile flooring, and Eden accidentally stepped on the hem of his pants.  Isaac went to take a step, and totally face-planted on the tile, resulting with this massive bruise!  He actually had a slight black eye from it as well, although you really can't see that part of it in this picture!

EmmaLee getting her picture taken!  Notice the beautiful blue sky in the background!  We had really beautiful and perfect weather the whole time we were in St. George!

Just some cute pictures of Ammon while trying to get some of the amazing mountains in the background, and the beautiful weather!

Again, have I mentioned how nice the weather was?

I love how Ammon is trying to stick his foot in Rob's mouth in this one!

Eden and another fabulous pose!

On the way back from Zions, we stopped in the town of Grafton, which is an old pioneer town.  I think I've heard that they filmed some movie here some years ago, something like "The Sundance Kids", or something like that, but I really don't know for sure what it was called!  This was the town hall/school/and church.

This was a house that was there.  You couldn't actually go into either this house or the town hall, but there was another, smaller place across from this one that you could go in, but I didn't get any pictures of it!  It was a very basic home, though, with only like 3 rooms, and it felt more like a shed!

A closer view of the porch and the cute kiddos on it!

Another day we went to Sand Hollow Reservoir.  The first place we tried to set up our stuff, we were almost overrun with gnats!  So, we moved 15 feet down the shore, and it was much better!  The kids loved playing in the sand and water, and Rob brought his RC car that has sand wheels.  It was a fun and relaxing time, although I did get fried on the back of my neck.  We had brought sunscreen, and we all put it on, but I had forgotten to get the back of my neck!  It ended up as red as this sand!

EmmaLee loved the beach, and in this picture was actually trying to watch some ants she had just discovered in the sand!

This is Isaac up a ways watching Rob and his car.  We were the only ones on the beach, so the kids had lots of room to run and explore!  There were some stickers in some places, but the kids still had a blast! 

Our little spot!  The bank actually had a little drop off about a foot high, which is why the kids look a little short; they on on the lake level, but all our stuff is on top of it.  We took the playpen so Ammon could move around without trying to eat the sand too much!  He loves being outside! 

One evening, we drove by the St. George temple, and EmmaLee, Isaac and I decided to go get a couple of up close pictures!  It was beautiful, and a great teaching opportunity with a bit of humor thrown in!  Isaac was asking about going inside, and I explained that you can only go in on special occasions.  Before I could say more he said, "Oh, so you have to have a wedding dress to go inside."  Yeah, something like that!  I just laughed and tried to explain that you need a recommend, not a wedding dress to get in! 

Look close, the kids are still at the door!  I had to make sure to tell them to not knock on the door while they were up there, and thankfully, they listened! 

Another day we visited the Silver Reef museum.  The kids got little Chinese souvenirs; apparently during it's hay day there was a little China town in this settlement!  We explored some of the land where the town used to be.  Behind Eden is a little cactus tree I thought looked pretty cool! 

A bigger view of us exploring.

Some of my pictures got out of order, and weren't cooperating in going back to their right order, so I gave up!  This is EmmaLee getting her turn to freeze her feet at the stream in Zions. 

This is a picture on the grounds at the Brigham Young Winter house located in St. George.  I didn't get a picture of the actual house-one day I'll figure out how to actually take better documenting photos of the places we go!

Finally, again out of order, this is Ammon at Sand Hollow.  He really loved the vacation as well, and loved swimming!  He also slept pretty good for us while we were down there, which was probably because he was so tired from all the activities we were doing!

So, for the most part, that was our trip!  It was fun, and it makes me want to cry now looking at the pictures and remembering how I wore SHORTS, and then thinking about the snow we've had again this week!  Spring, oh spring, please come our way!!

I also want to mention that Ammon has started to take several steps at a time!  Today he was doing really well, and took as many as 6 or 7 steps!  He has been taking one or two for the last couple of days, but didn't really seem to be trying for more.  Today it is like it finally clicked what he was doing, and he was so excited to walk!  I wish I had gotten it on video, but I was having too much fun helping him to get my camera!  I give this boy a week or two before he's totally off and going with full walking!  He's growing up WAY too fast!

Finally, because it took me so long to get the pictures downloaded and write about them, I'm going to skip writing about the next communication style for tonight.  I will start up again with fight talk next time!

Sunday Thoughts on a Sunday

Okay, so my title is a little deceiving; this is more of a Sunday joke!  We went to my parent's house for the afternoon session of conference today, as did my sister, Melanie, and her family.  Melanie wanted to show her husband my dad's early '80's fro, so she was going through some old pictures.  She found one of my dad in the early '90's where he had a full beard and mustache.  I showed it to EmmaLee and asked her if she knew who it was.  She smiled and immediately said "Jesus"!  We just laughed!  I'll have to scan the picture in and see if you can see the resemblance! 

This last week we made an impromptu trip down to St. George, and it was so nice!  I'll have to make a post about it later this week with pictures!

The next style of talk I'm going to talk about is control, fight, and spite talk.  Through power and control, this style aims at gaining agreement or compliance, or it attempts to resist change.  This style strives for a certain outcome, even if it has to be forced.  You focus on the other person-not yourself.

Partners try to exert their power using three different ways of talking.  The first way-control talk- sends messages intended to be constructive.  The other two-fight talk and spite talk-send negative, potentially destructive messages.  Noverbals-posture, gestures, tone, pitch, pace and facial expressions-play a prominent role in signaling these messages.

Control Talk

Control talk intends to take charge-communicating a knowing, authoritative stance.  This is a style most people use to direct, command, make a presentation, persuade, sell, bargain, supervise, teach, and advocate.  The intention is to:  establish agreement/compliance; use authority; direct/control/lead; declare; instruct; advise/exhort/persuade; pressure/compel; evaluate; set expectations/limits; and reinforce positively.  The intention is to be: proactive; in charge; helpful; efficient; persuasive; and compelling.  The mood is: directive, with or without compliance; authoritative, with or without acceptance.  Nonverbals include: commanding tone and gestures.  Cue words can include: you (spoken or implied); pronouncements; assumptions; imperatives (should, ought, have to); superlatives (always, never, every); and statements phrased as questions.

Typical Control-Talk Behaviors

*Speaking for others-tell others what their experience has been, is, or will be: "You know this is the right decision."
*Directing: "Stop by the cleaners on your way home."
*Advising, prescribing solutions: "Take some vitamin C.  It will help you ward off a cold."
*Advocating, persuading: "Just try it once.  You will really like it."
*Instructing: "There are three things to consider.  The first is . . ."
*Evaluating: "This new software is twice as good as the old program."
*Assuming: "It isn't hard.  You can figure it out."
*Setting expectations, establishing boundaries: "Let's get together tomorrow afternoon, just the two of us."
*Cautioning, warning: "Be careful.  The roads are slick."
*Closed/directive questions: "Don't you think that...?" "Wouldn't you agree that...?"
*Praising: "You look great in your new blue suit."
*Bragging: "I'm always the one they count on."

Impact of Control Talk

*Shows the situation is under control, when it works.
*Fosters resistance if it is experienced as "boxing in" the other.  (Most people like to participate in conversations and decisions that affect them; few like to be ordered around.)
*Sometimes creates misunderstanding, distance, and tension in its commanding tone.
*Can generate a fight or spite talk response, if it is perceived as abrasive or discounting.
*Excessive control talk may indicate mounting pressures.

If control talk goes on constantly with one or both of you, power is a struggle in your relationship.

Somewhat related to this last thought, in my child guidance class this last week, I learned about a theory called Dreiker's Theory.  In his theory, Dreiker talks about how everybody has a genuine goal, which is to belong.  When this genuine goal is not being met, people often fall to "mistaken" goals, such as attention seeking, power struggles, and withdrawing, to name a few.  When people feel insecure or that they do not belong, they often seek for more power over their situation.  In children, especially teenagers, this can result in rebellion, or a refusal to listen to their parents.  The best way to handle this is to be firm and not get into a power struggle, but to also see if there are other areas where you can give this child more power or control in their lives, such as planning the dinner menu, or some other family activity.  This is obviously harder to do in a marriage relationship, but the idea of realizing that if, as the statement above mentions, power is a struggle in your relationship, you may want to take a closer look as to why.  Is the genuine goal of feeling you belong not being met for one or the other?  Maybe sitting down and trying to come up with a better distinction or distribution of responsibilities between the couple needs to happen.  In extreme cases, this might need to be done with the help of a counselor, or someone else who both people in the relationship trust. 

I'm going to end the post for tonight, but next time I will talk about the fight/spite talk.

Good News!

Isaac was accepted into the Syracuse Arts Academy, which is a local charter school, this coming school year when he starts kindergarten!  We are very excited about this!  We have tried to get Eden into this school since we moved here, but for those of you who don't know, most charter schools have a lottery process, and we haven't been lucky enough to get picked thus far.  Even for next year, only Isaac's name was drawn-we put down the option of having our kids individually accepted.  Eden is actually registered for the Utah Virtual Academy, another charter school, for next year.  This is actually a public school, but online.  So, basically I just help her do the work that a real teacher plans and gives her.  She actually has a teacher that we stay in contact with, mostly through email.  We feel like this is a perfect fit for Eden at this time, and I'm so excited and relieved that all the school pieces are falling into place for us!  And, because Isaac will be in the Syracuse Arts Academy next year, the following year, anybody from his family gets first dibs in placement for that year!  That means that EmmaLee will be able to go there (she is suppose to start kindergarten that next year), and even Eden will be able to go there if she wants to by then!  So, it's a great time to be getting our foot in the door!  Who knows if we will actually still be living here by then, but if we are, at least we'll be in!

So, moving on to communication styles.  I will first talk about Small/Shop talk.  Small/Shop talk are the pleasant ways couples use to connect and to exchange routine information. 

Small talk is the light conversation or chit chat about everyday things.  While this way of talking may be commonplace, it is exceptionally important for staying connected and confident with each other.  The intentions of small talk are to: connect, update, enjoy each other, maintain harmony, and stay in touch.  The intention is to be: friendly, pleasant, sociable, playful, and available.  The mood is: relaxed, contented, calm, comfortable, and peaceful. 

This style:
-Facilitates comfortable "comings" and "goings," connecting and disconnecting.
-Supplies an initial sense (visual and tonal) of how well each partner is doing.
-Allows each person to synchronize, "get up to speed," with the other by reliving the day's activities, events, and challenges.
-Provides a way of simply being together, sharing activities, and enjoying each other.
-Can be used to cover, skirt, deflect, or avoid dealing with an unresolved issue.
-Lessens, (or disappears) when couples experience: Severe or continuous conflict; Extended pressures or stress, for example, from extensive work schedules.

Impact of Small Talk:
-Relaxes and refreshes a relationship.
-Sometimes lightens a tense mood and eases pressure.
-Keeps conversations on an ordinary, surface level.
-Fosters annoyance if the other person wants to go to a more serious or deeper level.

Your Small Talk as a couple demonstrates that you are connecting with and enjoying one another.  Without it, as time passes, you grow distant.

Shop Talk is the conversation about tasks and necessary details of living.  The intention is to: inform, monitor activities and schedules.  It is intended to be: responsible, cooperative, and productive.  The mood is: polite and occupied.

Impact of Shop Talk
-Handles routines or informs of changes in the maintenance of your life.

Shop Talk keeps things moving and organized, but if that's all there is for you as a couple, your relationship lacks vitality.

Next time I will talk about Control, Fight, and Spite Talk.

Picture Update

I haven't really posted a lot of pictures lately, so I thought I would add some!

I love this picture of "Super Ammon"!  Doesn't he just win your heart over with his dashing smile?!  

Rob and I decided that we wanted to get a zoo membership for the year, so about a month and a half ago, we headed out to the zoo!  The kids enjoyed seeing all the animals, and even though it was still a bit cold, it was nice to get out of the house!  We are looking forward to many visits to the zoo this year!

The other pass we splurged on this year was a State Parks pass.  We are planning on doing a lot of camping this year, and thought it would be fun to visit a lot of the state parks.  And, living literally 10 minutes away from Antelope Island, it is fun for us to be able to take little rides over there anytime we feel like it!  It's fun to see the animals, and it really does feel miles away from civilization, which can give us a nice break!  We went out today, and the kids enjoyed taking a little scenic walk!

If you look at the previous picture, you can see down in the background a stretch of sand and then the Great Salt Lake.  This picture was taken down on that stretch of sand.

Check out the chompers!  Ammon has been by far our fastest teether.  With my other kids, they were lucky to barely be breaking teeth at their first birthdays, but at 9 1/2 months, Ammon already has 10 teeth in, 6 on top (the latest two just broke through two days ago so you can't see them in the picture) and 4 on the bottom (two more bottom teeth broke through today-no wonder we haven't slept for a week with this kid)!!  I've said it before, but Ammon and Isaac are going to be "ham" brothers; as soon as Ammon saw me with the camera, he had to give me a "ham" smile! 

Finally, we were going to go to St. George this weekend for a little vacation, but Eden got sick at the beginning of the week, and we decided that it wasn't worth the chance of going down and having one of the other kids end up sick!  So, we cancelled and instead took the kids to Chuck E Cheese later in the week.  Not quite the vacation Rob and I had in mind, but a lot cheaper, and the kids had fun!

For the next few posts at least, I am going to be focusing on communication.  The information is mostly from a book called "Couple Communication I: Collaborative Marriage Skills" by Sherod Miller, Phyllis Miller, Elam W. Nunnally, and Daniel B. Wackman.  This book is from my Marriage and Family course from USU, and while the book is meant to be used to improve marriage skills, the communication information is good for anybody in any situation! 

Because it is so late, I'm only going to share a brief idea about communication.  It is just something to think about before I share more detailed information in following posts.  When you talk to people, your message contains two parts: What you say-the content and How you say it-the style.  Most of us know that how you say something can change the meaning of what you say.  To communicate well, we know that you do need the what part, but it is often the how, or style, that determines how good of a communicator you are. 

How you talk and listen to someone falls into one of four major communication styles.  Each of the talking styles corresponds to a listening style, and every style has typical behaviors-unskilled or skilled-associated with it that have a highly predictable impact upon a conversation.  The four styles are small/shop talk, control/fight/spite talk, search talk, and aware talk.  Next time, I will begin sharing more detailed information about the different talking styles of communication.

Change and SSS Aproach

Another new chapter has again come to our lives!  This last week Rob and I made the decision to homeschool Eden, at least through the rest of this year.  There were some struggles and issues happening at school, and after seeking advice from several sources, we made the decision to homeschool Eden.  There are some issues we are working through that mostly just need time, which we won't be able to get at a normal school because of attendance rules.  So, we are off on a new adventure!  I was a bit weary to attempt homeschooling, mainly because I still have 3 younger children at home, including a nursing baby, and both Rob and I are in school as well with our own homework and assignments to get done every week.  But, the more we have gotten into it, the more excited I am!  Once we get the basic schedule figured out, I think we will actually be more organized and get everything done in a better way and feel like we are accomplishing more than we were before.  We have already gotten some supplies, and besides just teaching Eden, we got some simple things for EmmaLee and Isaac, who have never gone to preschool before.  They have really taken to the learning already and are excited for when we sit down for "school"!  Also, I somewhat have it easy, at least for the rest of this year because really Eden is right where she needs to be academically and is very smart.  The rest of this year is more just continuing to practice what she has already learned to become more and more fluent in all of it. 

So, with all this change, learning to find balance is even more important to me!  One technique that was taught in the same class as I have previously quoted from is the SSS Approach.  The SSS stands for Support, Share, and Strategize.

Support Collaboration is key.  Support your spouse or partner on specific household and childcare tasks.  Work as a team on certain issues involving your family and home life and delegate certain responsibilities and tasks in a fair manner.  Tap into skills/qualities you use in your career to help in your family and home life as well.  Discuss work and family life priorities with your spouse/partner and what you both consider these to successfully look like.

Share Delineating a responsibility as completely "yours" or "mine" discourages sharing in tasks and it discourages taking over certain responsibilities when it is necessary at times.  Share in your family tasks even if you decide on who has primary responsibility over that task.  It is necessary for you to make choices and remain flexible each day.  It's OK to feel guilty or feel insecure about your performance as a spouse/partner, parent, or employee.  Everyone experiences these feelings, and you should accept them.  Share your feelings of guilt and stress, as well as your insecurities, with your spouse/partner.

Strategize It's one thing to say you will share in a responsibility; it's another thing to actually do it.  Develop strategies or action plans with your spouse/partner on how you will handle certain responsibilities or regular issues that arise.  Together, write them down and discuss them as a team like you would prepare for a meeting or presentation. 

Take a few minutes now to think about one or two issues that you regularly struggle with, and think of an action plan to involve your spouse/partner using the SSS approach to help you balance these issues more effectively.  Then, sit down to discuss it with your spouse, and modify it together as needed.

Updates and Relationship Skills

I had the opportunity to visit with some old friends this last Tuesday.  It was fun visiting with everybody, and I wish it could happen more often!  We enjoyed catching up over breakfast at Mimi's Cafe in Sandy, and before we all left, we got a picture of us all. 

 Isaac has taken up a new love, which is cooking!  He watches cooking shows with Rob and I, and he will seriously sit there and watch the whole program!  A couple of weeks ago, he came in with his super hero cape, but it was on backwards, covering his front instead of his back.  He also had a nifty furry hat on, and when we asked him who he was, he said he was "Super Chef"!  I think Rob got a picture of him on his camera, so I will have to post it one of these days, but I thought it was so cute and funny!  When I got home from my get together with my friends, he had "created" a surprise for me!  It was a pop-tart (already toasted for me, but not so hot anymore) covered with a layer of peanut butter and topped off with Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal!  Yum!!  Another funny story was that last week I made him fried eggs, which we call flat eggies.  I gave him his, and as he started eating it, he told me, "Mom, I love the spices you put on this!"  The "spices" consisted of salt.  I thought that was too funny!

On a sad note, as I got home from my visit, the kids came out to the garage to greet me.  As we were going back up the garage stairs, Eden slipped on the bottom stair and landed face first on the upper step, hitting both of her shins and knocking out her top two front teeth!  She hit so hard that it actually knocked her out for a second!  She also got a huge fat lip in the fall!  Thankfully, both teeth were baby teeth, and one was already loose, so at least we didn't have to go visit the dentist.  We did call the doctor because she had been knocked out for a second, but she didn't have any of the signs of a concussion, and was feeling a bit better even a few minutes later.  On the up side, the tooth fairy must have known it was a tough way to loose teeth, and she got $3 dollars instead of just two, and in a fun way!  She got a dollar bill, a golden dollar, and 4 quarters!  She was very excited about that! 

I thought that this time around I would include 9 important relationship skills.  These skills come from the research done by John Gottman, who is one of the nation's leading researchers on why marriages are successful or unsuccessful.  He and his researchers have pinpointed these nine skills and have determined that, if learned, these skills can help to put a relationship on a positive path.  There are basically two different categories for these skills: the do's and the don'ts.

The Don'ts

1. Criticism-Attacking someone's personality or character with accusations and blame (for example, "You never think of anyone else," or "How can you be so stupid").

2. Contempt-Intentional insulting, name calling, rolling the eyes, sneering.

3. Defensiveness-Feeling victimized by others in response to contempt, and refusing to take responsibility for personal actions.  Being defensive blocks a couple's ability to deal with an issue.  Even if one partner feels completely justified in his/her actions, becoming defensive only adds to the couple's problems.

4. Stonewalling-Withdrawing from interactions and refusing to communicate at all.  When couples refuse to communicate about their issues, the relationship becomes fragile. (Note: It is completely fair in a relationship to explain to your partner that you are overloaded emotionally and that you need to take a break, call "time out," and calm down before you say something you don't mean.)

The Do's

5. Calm Down-Disengaging from an interaction before something hurtful is said must last for at least 25 minutes for a person to really calm down.  Otherwise, it is easy to slip back into an emotionally charged conversation and to say things that are hurtful.

6. Complaint-Bringing up a complaint about a specific issue or behavior is actually one of the healthiest activities a couple can engage in (for example, "When you fail to call me to let me know you are going to be late, it makes me feel like you aren't considering my feelings and the fact that I will worry about you.")

7. Speak Non-Defensively-This kind of language is an art form that usually includes speaking with a soft voice, beginning with "I feel..." statements rather than "You..." statements.  Listeners must demonstrate trust in order to communicate effectively without eliciting defensiveness.

8. Validate-To validate another person, one must: Listen by giving full attention, listen to the emotions and needs being expressed, and understand from the other person's point of view.

9. Overlearn Skills-To overlearn means to master the eight other skills in the list so that they remain available even in times of weariness, stress, or anger.

All of these ideas came from the same source as in my last post

One suggestion I would give if you really want to know where your strengths and weaknesses are in these skills is to keep track of them for a week.  Write them down on a tally sheet, and then 3 or 4 times a day put a plus or minus sign next to each skill: a plus if you did the skill correctly, or a negative sign if you did not.  After the week is up, tally up all your scores and see where you stand.  This also helps you to learn the skills better, and think about them more often, which can help you implement them more in your life, which is good!  You can also use this same method to track your 8 personal needs to see what areas you are lacking in and need to improve in to help find greater balance and happiness in your life!